Dear Miley,

My name’s Bart and I’m a dog. I’m a big fan but I must confess….I’m disturbed….deeply disturbed.

Seriously I gotta weigh in. First off….you got your cool on! I’m on board…mostly. I mean, we don’t exactly see eye-to-eye because I’m a lot shorter, but basically I dig your style.

Still, I got to question you girl! Isn’t it time to give that little million dollar tongue of yours some extra attention so when the waggin’ starts you’re lookin’ right? Are you smellin’ what I’m cookin’ M??  Clothes….very cool.  Bling….got it going on. Hair…..a statement.  Makeup……hot.  Tongue…..SKANKY!  I’m trippin’ out M!! Foul, simply foul!  Fix it girlfriend!  Ya don’t want to be stinkin’ up the place and freakin’ everybody out do you?  M, I’m here to help you.

Look…I know tongues.  There are way too many skanky tongues out there in the world, and right now, your tongue is the “poster child” of DON’T-GROSS-ME-OUT-WITH-THAT-LOVE MUSCLE!  Don’t let that pasty, white piece of flesh of yours ruin your image…..M, I won’t let this happen to you!

Don’t get me wrong. I…LOVE….TONGUES.  It’s the second favorite part of my body. I am a connoisseur of sorts.  I’m all about swingin’ that pink thing about. I give in to guilty pleasure all the time,  just like you.  Yep, tongues are AWESOME.  But THEY CAN’T BE SKANKY!  Just not healthy.

Sooooo, what’s the secret M?  How do you clean that love muscle sticking out of your head?  I would like to make a suggestion…. for the “Miley Movement”:  One word….TUNG.  Yep. That’s it.

Yes, I may be a capitalistic pooch (….you see, I’m also trying to get the job as the spokesdog for this little widget but there’s another bitch who is trying to push me out, but that’s another story) but this gizmo friggin’ works!!

M, THROW ME A BONE!  Please, please, for Pete’s sake, go to and get yourself right.  You’re an icon; you’re a strategist. We’re all watching you girl!  Be proud of that little tickler.  You want a “movement”?  I’ll recommend a “movement”…..start by shoving this little gadget in your pie hole and clean that funky tongue so we can all enjoy it.  Start NOW, today, this second, forever!!

M…really….you know I love ya right?  I’m here to help.  As a professional on this topic, I would be honored if you would take my advice. Sometimes a dog just has to say the hard things to those he loves….

Hugs and Sloppy Dog Kisses,

Bart the Dog – your puppy pal